feeling quite down & moody today...in fact i would say very...ALOT of stuff running thru my mind.Met up with a frd ytd...2hrs of conversation that leads to a whole nite of thoughts.i've nvr met someone so pessimistic EVER b4 in my whole life..yes i'm serious.for that whole 2 hrs i was dumb for words...1st time have i ever not know wat to say..and i really mean i DUNO wat to say..to him nor myself.its not those typical Q&A conversation...its juz something that do not require any answers yet at the end of the day i question myself...why?
for the whole nite i was wondering..am i being over optimistic abt everything & anything that ever happens to me?have i not been thinking enough?or do i simply refuse to do so?am i not putting enough effort in the ppl & stuff ard me?i duno...i think..i really do but not for long i guess..i avoid when problem arise..i duno..alot of shit happened to me over the past 2 mths..yet there is never a time did i quietly sit down and think abt it..why?i have all the time in the world to do so yet i refuse to..probly yes i wana avoid...avoid wat?i question myself too...i refuse to tok to anyone abt it..i refuse to even question myself...y?i duno...i guess somewhere in me i know that reality sucks....i duno...
i start to ask myself what kind of life have i been leading for the past 22 yrs...i duno..probly my 'optimism energy' have been overshawdowed by all the pess stuff in that short 2 hrs...last nite i couldnt sleep coz so many crap in my head...everything juz comes...YES!EVERYTHING!this morning when i woke up..DAMN its still there!!!i hate it coz this is usually not the case...thus i hate to think..i hate it when there's no solution...hate to hate myself...hate it when i cant find an answer to my question...i really dun wana end up being those fellow who finds everything in life sucks..know what i mean....
Met up with another frd later at night...he told me that i shdnt let the pess stuff ard me affect me coz i'm so optimistic but its tough..it really is...prob there's very little effect on pess ppl when an opt person speaks to him/her...but its a BIG effect on an opt person when a pess person speaks to him/her.no idea what the fark i juz said...he said so many things to me but to be honest,non of which quite goes into my brain.....yes i admit i'm very stubborn in many ways...but all this emotional stuff is way too much for me to handle man...way too much....have been bottling all my troubles/prob in my heart but always solve it using my mind...wat the fark am i talking abt again?!no idea...
i always think that i can handle my own life/emotions.There's no need to share what i truly feel with others...no need to tell others what kind of shit i'm going thru..no need advises coz i can solve my own problems...am i wrong?probly....shd i open up more?am i setting standards that are way too high for me to handle?probly...shd i not be so stubborn in my own VicWorld?probly....shd i allow ppl to enter my world?probly....but what is in VicWorld?i have no idea either....PRIDE?
duno if anyone ever feels the way i do....is it usually the case?when u start to think...everything else starts to come into ur mind..is that how our brain works?once u get it wking it juz doesnt stop?i duno.....can we control wat goes into our mind?i duno....well at least i cant...
bernard,if u think that i'm not thinking enough coz i have not been to the lowest pt of my life...u are so wrong....u will never wana know how low i have been man.i dont potray that dosent mean i have not.guess its juz coz i refuse to allow myself to fall into my own trap..i duno...many a times i let my pride get over me...refusing to let others discover who i truly am...probly me myself is refusing to let moi discover myself too....i duno...
to be honest i duno y the heck am i feeling how i'm feeling right now...as much as i tell myself to not let others affect me,the cruel fact is that it does...well probly its not the ONE thing but the MANY things that lead me to how i'm feeling now....have i been suppressing my feeling way too much?i duno.....watgoes ard comes ard?probly...after 22yrs...is it getting the better of me?probly yes.....
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