i know i shd be the happiest ger on earth this week but good things juz never seem to last for me ever.No idea y either...juz never had.
i have the supposingly nicest and bestest guy ard me yet i juz can't make myself get out of my comfort zone.Flashbacks are haunting me...very badly...& everything juz comes back to me within a night.Yes....i cant believe that either.And now guilt is all i'm feeling.Trust me i dun even know where all these are coming from...dun ask me y coz i'm asking myself that now too....
Can't believe i actually broke down in front of him...vic vic...how much more drama can u get??i really did try to control but guess the journey home was simply too long...my tears cant help but stream down my cheeks.& it honestly didnt help when he held me in his arms & said everything will be alright.Him innocently not even knowing y i cry,more guilt flows within me....
like i mention in my previous blog...i'm scared...yes even till now when i'm surrounded by endless happiness.probly i always feel i dun deserve any happiness at all.i never knew i could get so vulnerable till now...crying while blogging....how much more drama mama can i get??
The last thing he said to me was that juz tell him when i'm ready to...Oh man...like how??where shd i even start?wat shd i even tell him when i myself's searching for the ans....i'm slow...ya maybe i am.or maybe i'm not?i duno!i never fail to express myself when it comes to writing...but face to face..i totally suck!that's juz me....he asked if i cry becoz i was happy or sad...the truth is...i duno again!i'm not saying that coz i'm avoiding or something...i really duno....
i already said i didnt wana start this relationship so soon rite!!vic vic look what u have done!i dunoo!!what am i suppose to do???its juz me...yes it is!the stopid vic who always think she knows everything abt LOVE but the fact is..i'm the dumbest ger ever!
is it becoz i'm truly falling for this man that's y i'm feeling so lost?is that also the reason y i'm scared of screwing everything up?afraid i might end up hurting him and myself?afraid i cant love him as much as he does in me?He keeps telling me that he cant promise me anything but he'll try.But am i even willing to try?i honestly duno.....i really dun....i'm gona hide in my shell again.Yes...what i always do when i'm lost...hide and not accept reality.I used to have frd that tell me i might have committment prob...is that really true?scared of the big C?I DUNOOOO!
i probly cant get to sleep tonight...its already 5.04am....this feeling sucks..it really does.Juz hope tmr will do me good...Life still goes on and i'll still be vic..smiling...but cant say the same abt how my heart really feel thou.
I believe i'll look back at this blog & laugh my head off for being so drama...but i'm juz blogging what i truly feels now..the drama mama emotional vic....i hate this vic but well.....
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